To My Boy on his First Birthday!!

Oh my darling boy...

 I don't know where to begin with this note to you.  I see so many lovely letters from Mamas on the internet and wish I could express myself so eloquently!  Suffice it to say, I love you, with every fiber of my being.  The past year has been such a crazy, humbling experience and I can't even imagine what the rest of our lives together will be like.  I knew a baby would change my life but I could never have imagined how.  

Being pregnant with you was pretty surreal for me.  I knew you were in there but it almost seemed like a big game of make believe.  Once you started moving I would talk and sing to you and I started trying to imagine what you might look like, who you'd take after, what kind of personality you would have.  But I had no idea, really. 

Your birth was traumatic and scary and sudden, but it all turned out OK.  Once we got past the feeding tubes, the hospital schedule, the beeping machines and brought you home, we had to figure out how to take care of you all on our own.  No more monitors, no nurses, no reassuring doctor reports.  Somehow we did it. 

 

ONE MONTH

TWO MONTHS

THREE MONTHS

I was nervous about becoming a Mama.  Not sure how you'd fit into our childless lives.  I've always loved children but having one of my own was a whole new ballgame!  I think I worried for all those years for no reason. I couldn't have asked for a more wonderful baby.  You are sweet, funny, inquisitive, and beautiful.  You have taught me (and Daddy) so much about ourselves, and our capacity for love.  There are many days when I am tired, but I know it won't last forever. I know it won't be long before I long for these baby days. I treasure every gummy grin, every wet kiss, every warm hug. Seeing your eyes light up when you realize I've come home from work makes having to leave you every day (somewhat) bearable.

FOUR MONTHS

FIVE MONTHS

 

SIX MONTHS

Seeing this year through your eyes has been amazing.  Your first smiles lit up our hearts.  Your first laugh had us all jumping and grabbing our cameras.  (The fact that you don't laugh often makes the giggles you do let out even more precious.) Your first holiday season, which we were certainly more excited for than you were, was so fun, and I know the next one and the one after and the one after... Well they will only get better. Your grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins all love you so much and I can't wait to watch those relationships develop as you get older. 

SEVEN MONTHS

EIGHT MONTHS

NINE MONTHS

I know we have walking, and talking, and exploring, and learning and...just so much more to look forward to.  

For today, I just want to make sure to tell you that nothing makes me happier than waking up next to you every morning.  

Coming home from work to you every evening. 

Nursing you to sleep every night. 

You know I am your Mama and that makes me so happy.

TEN MONTHS

ELEVEN MONTHS

 Sometimes, if you pull my hair or bite me while nursing (ouch!!) and I say "Ow!" you make a sad face and your lip quivers.  Even though it did hurt, I smile and tickle you or in some way try to wipe that sad face away.  Because your happiness is more important than mine is, and that's how things are now.  Which is fine by me.  (But, please stop biting!)

TWELVE MONTHS!!!

I love you.  
It seems such an inadequate expression, but I can't think of anything better.  

I love you, I love you, I love you, more every day.  

And I always, always, always will. 

Happy First Birthday, my beautiful boy. 

Love, Mama

(The pictures in this post are not the best due to 

a. his first 6 months of life were documented only with camera phones and 

b. I chose pics that were taken on the 22nd of each month, and sometimes there weren't many options!)

Our Birth Story (One Year Later)

This is a long, wordy post but I want to get it typed out for posterity before I forget even more than I already have in the year since it happened!  

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One year ago today (a Tuesday) I was 31+ weeks pregnant. I was extremely uncomfortable, having a strong, squeezing pain around my chest/ribs. I had been experiencing the same pains over the weekend and was unable to get comfortable, or sleep.  Late Sunday and Monday I felt better, totally fine actually.  So when the pains returned on Tuesday I finally gave in and called my doctor.  I though maybe it was heartburn?  I've never had it, and know it's a common pregnancy complaint.  I was hoping she'd confirm that and tell me to take some antacids.  Instead she suggested I go to the hospital, just to get monitored and make sure everything was OK, and it wasn't pre-term labor or anything along those lines.  I'd been visiting the hospital (and the doctor) quite often. (I had horrible carpal tunnel syndrome, gestational diabetes, and high blood pressure.)  On top of all that my baby was measuring small so we were checking in on him with weekly ultrasounds.  My doctor suspected my placenta was not doing it's job as well as it should be.  The baby was regularly measuring in the bottom 10th percentile for size/weight.

So...I texted my boyfriend that I was going to get evaluated.  He asked me if I wanted him to come home and/or go with me and I declined, thinking I'd be home in a few hours. I didn't have a bag packed, I didn't have a birth plan, I didn't have a replacement at work trained.... Heck, we didn't even have a name chosen!

When I got to the hospital I checked in and got hooked up to the baby monitoring devices.  They drew my blood and I got out my Kindle to try to distract myself.  I was still pretty uncomfortable and hoping they would give me some suggestions (or maybe some medication) to help with the pain. The monitors kept alarming due to my blood pressure.  I wasn't too concerned since it always seemed worse when I went to the doctor (white coat syndrome!). Within an hour a nurse came in with some test results.  To my surprise (understatement of the year) she told me our baby would need to come out soon, within the next couple of days probably.  I had just had blood and urine tests done the week before and my OB didn't see anything alarming.  Over the weekend (apparently) I had developed pre-eclampsia with HELLP syndrome.  A lot of details get confused at this point, I honestly think I was in shock from that point on.  I do remember my platelet count was really low.  I think regular levels are over 100,000 and I was at 40,000 at that time.

I called my boyfriend and he was as shocked as I had been.  He headed down to be with me in the hospital, as I wasn't going to be released...until we had a baby!  The nurses explained that they'd give me another blood test in a few hours to determine how long we had until the c-section needed to be performed.  They were hoping to give me a round of steroid shots, to encourage the baby's lungs to develop more. They gave me one shot and I could have had another in 12 hours.  It turns out we didn't have that long, though. I was put on a magnesium drip to discourage a stroke (!!).

I called my Mom, who was in Yellowstone for the summer.  I told her the baby was going to be delivered very soon.  She told me she was leaving right then! (She drove straight through, arriving in San Diego around 5pm the next day.)  I also called my boss, letting her know the situation.  

My boyfriend showed up pretty quickly and we both kind of sat in stunned silence.  It was probably around 9:00pm by this time.  Luckily my Mom had thought to call my brother (who is a doctor and lives in Los Angeles).  He called me to say he was on his way down.  He showed up a couple of hours later, and I am so thankful he did.  He was calm, supportive, and understood all the medical lingo that was being thrown around.  (Later I found out that he knew how dangerous the situation was, and scared the crap out of my Mom when she called to tell him!)

Around midnight they did another blood draw, which would give us more of a time frame. They said it would take a couple of hours since the lab was busy, and nothing had come back by 2:00am.  At this point I sent my boyfriend home to sleep.  There was nowhere for him to lay down in my room and he and my brother were taking turns between sitting in the (uncomfortable) chair and on the floor. I slept for a bit but there was a constant stream of nurses checking on me so it wasn't very restful.  Of course, not long after he left they came back with my test results, which didn't look good. My platelet levels were even lower, around 25,000 and I was told they were scheduling me for 6:00am surgery.  I cried.  I was nervous, worried, and really just still in a state of shock.  There wouldn't be time for another steroid shot. Looking back on it now, I should have been more worried about the baby, but for some reason I wasn't.  I could feel him moving, hear his heartbeat on the monitor, and I guess I just had confidence in the doctors/hospital that things would be OK. (Or...I was just in shock!)

I called my boyfriend who wasn't really getting any sleep and told him to come back by about 5:30am so he could be with me.  I slept a bit, talked to my brother, tried to call my mother-in-law (who didn't have her phone nearby and didn't get my messages until the morning!) and just tried to get comfortable.  My doctor showed up sometime early in the morning, and we had a consult with the anesthesiologist.  He told me that if my platelets were too low I would have to be completely knocked out for the surgery, and nobody would be allowed in the OR with me.  Luckily that didn't turn out to be the case.  I tried to argue for my brother being allowed in the OR as well (since he IS a doctor and all, even though he is actually a psychiatrist!  haha) but only my boyfriend would be allowed. My doctor was wonderful, as always, and said she had been keeping such a close eye on me, because she just had a feeling something like this would happen!  Looking back on that I was amazed and thankful and... I just love her.

Fast forward to 6:00am.  My boyfriend had arrived and we were still waiting in the same room I had been in all night.  Finally, closer to 7:00am, they started prepping me for surgery.  We went into the OR, my boyfriend was left outside to change into scrubs, and my drugs were administered for the surgery.  I was given a shot in my back to make me numb from the waist down, but still awake (not sure what that kind of anesthesia is called...and don't remember now as I am sure they told me at the time).  There were probably 6 people in the OR (besides us).  I recognized my doctor (duh) and another doctor who had filled in for her earlier in my pregnancy when my doctor was on vacation.  There were also quite a few nurses and the head neonatologist for the hospital, who we would come to know VERY well and love.

I don't remember much about the surgery.  The anesthesiologist kept chatting with us, and I tried to listen to the doctors/nurses but don't remember any of it in detail.  My OB let us know when she was going to take the baby out and then (at 7:42am)...he was there.  He was there in the room with us and he cried, and I said "Oh my god!" and cried and my boyfriend cried and we all cried.  They took him over to the scale and put him under the heat lamp.  He was 2lbs 12oz.  Small even for his gestational size, I realized after the fact.  My boyfriend cut the cord, they wrapped him up and we got one quick pic before he had to be taken away to the NICU (or Special Care Nursery as it was called at our hospital) to be given some care of his own, while I was sewn (stapled!) back together.

Oh, hello there, baby!

While I was in the recovery room my mother-in-law arrived, and my brother was there.  Once the feeling started coming back to my legs I got moved into a regular L&D room.  My Dad, step-mom, younger brother and step-dad arrived throughout the afternoon. My mom arrived in the early evening.  The neonatologist came by a few times to let us know how the baby was doing and get us to sign some release forms in case various treatments (or a possible hospital transfer) were necessary.  

I got to go see him a few hours after the birth and he was so tiny and hooked up to a million wires, it was a bit overwhelming.  But I never worried.  I had heard him cry at birth and just knew things would work out OK in the end.  I took everyone in to see him 2 at a time (max visitors in the SCN) and eventually everyone went to their hotels and my boyfriend and I stayed the night in the hospital room, which I had to myself and had 2 beds.  

That is a preemie diaper he's wearing!

Our little guy was one tough cookie.  He was extremely tiny and his lungs needed a little help at first, but overall he just needed to GROW!  He had a few surfactant treatments to help his lungs not stick together when he took deep breaths.  He was on (minimal) oxygen on and off for the first few days. I was finally able to hold him (a bit of an ordeal with having to get all the wires untangled and free to move) on the 3rd day.   That was a wonderful feeling.  :-)   

First time holding him. 

Every time I wanted to go visit him I had to call a nurse (or nursing assistant) to wheel me from my room to the SCN. I went basically any time I wasn't sleeping or eating or being checked on by nurses.  I sat for hours looking at him, touching him, talking to him.  

Staring contest with Mama.  I could never look away.

 My doctor kept me in the hospital for 5 days, since she knew we wouldn't be taking the baby home yet.  Leaving him there to go home (the first time and every night for those few weeks) was heartbreaking, but I got used to it eventually.  I spent the next 6 weeks going back and forth to the hospital twice a day.  I would go in the morning whenever I got up (after pumping, eating, dressing), and stay until early afternoon.  Then I would go home, pump more, rest, eat dinner, and go back until around 11:00pm or midnight.   

A few more pics of our time in the hospital...

Socks on his hand to prevent him pulling on his feeding tube.

Skin to skin with Daddy.

He loved getting on that scale every night!  (I thought he was SO BIG at this point, 3lbs 7oz! haha)

He gained, on average, an ounce a day. 

We finally brought our baby boy home on July 2nd, 

and he was a whopping 5lbs 4oz by then.  :-)  

The day we brought him home!

Those days at the hospital seem very surreal now.  But we loved the nurses and the doctors were amazing.   It's a time I will never forget but sure hope to never have to experience again!  I do regret not having a "normal" pregnancy sometimes.  I never got a huge bump.  (I only gained 14 lbs in fact.) I never felt a contraction.  When we recently visited babies R Us (for baby gates!) I got a little sad seeing the "expectant mom" parking, never got to use that!  Like my blogging friend Kelli said, though, I take some comfort in knowing that there wasn't anything I did (or didn't do) to cause his early arrival.  It was just my body reacting (negatively) to the pregnancy. (Her whole guest post reflecting on the preemie experience is written much better than I could express things! And her birth story here and here.) I thought about not having a great bond with him due to all the crazy circumstances, but I don't believe that has been an issue. I spent a ton of time (hours and hours) holding/talking to/singing to him in the SCN.  I just tried to focus on the positive throughout the whole experience and not let anything get me down.  I think that was the best thing for me and for the baby.  I rejoiced at each milestone he conquered (moving to an open crib, having his feeding tube removed, etc) and tried not to think about other things I missed (like being able to breastfeed right away). 

Home with (exhausted) Mama. 

Now we have been parents to this beautiful boy for almost a year and I can't believe how much he has changed our lives.  I'm looking forward to everything that will come in the future, but looking back on the past year with mixed emotions.  

Oh, and we did finally choose a name (3 days into his life).  

We love it, and him, so much. 

Throwback Thursday - Disney Style!

(Throwback Thursday is a way to document pre-blogging life.)

These e-cards basically tell my Disney story...

1) I think there might be something wrong with a person if they hate DIsney.

2) I'd prefer to be at Disney rather than work, any day.

3) I don't even know any Nickelodeon stuff. 

4) And yes, I do love Disney as much as (if not more than) your average child. 

So what?  

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I've taken so many trips to Disneyland, I honestly can't even begin to count them. 

It's one of the advantages of living in So Cal.  

Almost every time we had out of state visitors when I was a kid, particularly my mom's side of the family, that's where we went.  The happiest place on earth!  

It's a family thing.  

Anyhow, here are some pics from before my blogging days, of various trips to both DisneyLAND and DisneyWORLD over the years.    

(Prepare for a photo overload!! It wasn't easy to cut any out! )

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This one is a classic.  Splash mountain splash camera!  

This is from 2003.  

My little brother in the front, he's 21 now.  ;-) 

This was a trip I took about 5 years ago (with my mom & 2 aunts) when my cousin was doing an internship at WDW.  See that Mt. Everest in the background?  That's where she worked while she was there.  The best roller coaster in all of the parks!

On the left of this collage is the 5 of us (plus a totally awesome and willing participant riding next to my mom) sleeping on Expedition Everest after our 12th time riding it that day.  hehehe   

Then us getting ready to ride it AGAIN! and me with my "baby" cousin. 

More of us on that particular trip.... group shots in front of Disney landmarks.

 An earlier DisneyWorld trip with just one aunt...lots of ME at Epcot!  :-)  (I LOVE Epcot.)

This is from a trip when my aunt was in SoCal visiting.  We like visors. 

Same trip, in front of the Haunted Mansion.  YIKES!  ;-)

Do you guys remember that year when Disney was letting everyone visit the parks FREE on their birthday?  Well, I took full advantage.   I forced convinced my MIL to go on her birthday (in January) and we had a BLAST!  She is not a big Disney fan but it was a really fun day, and I think I swayed her toward the Disney point of view.

I also talked my Dad into coming down from San Francisco so we could go on HIS birthday (in March).  This was a really fun trip, too.  I got him a birthday pin so every park employee wished him a happy day, and he was so genuinely happy and thankful, it was adorable.  (Still in my visor stage.)

And...a few other randoms that make me smile.  

We never get tired of the "no dancing" signs on the rides. ;-)

OK, I better stop with FB/MySpace reminiscing before you all fall asleep.  ;-)  

DISNEY!  I love it!  That is all.  :-) 

(If any of you are ever in SoCal and going to Disneyland, I'm a great tour guide! haha)

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Sometime in the not too far future, I am hoping to turn Throwback Thursdays into a link up, with the lovely ERICA of Mi Todo.  She is in the process of moving to another country right now (!!) so it might be a few weeks more before we get anything figured out.  

But, if you're interested, leave a comment so I can try to remember to let you know once I know more.

Valitar!

I don't think I mentioned in my Yellowstone post, but I was born in Cody, Wyoming.  

I spent the first 5 years of my life living on this dude ranch.

Due (I suspect) to being around dozens of horses from a young age, and then having a horse for a few years again after we moved to California, I've always loved them. 

I imagine if we'd stayed in Wyoming I might have a little boy like this by now.  :-)

Source: joaniemcmahon.com via Cynthia on Pinterest

 

When we visited the ranch this summer, the horse barn might have been my favorite part. The horses are so calm and serene, and a few came over to say hi to us.
Oh, and they are so soft.  I forgot how soft they are.  And how good they smell.  :-)

The point is, I like horses. 
So when I saw billboards around town for Valitar, I was intrigued.

My BF and I drove by one of the billboards together last week and we realized we were both interested, so we looked up some info online and settled on a night to check it out.

  I read the "story" of Valitar on their website (which is not very specific), but intentionally didn't watch any of the videos.  So I wasn't exactly sure of what we might see on Saturday night. 

That evening, we headed up the coast to Del Mar to attend the big event!  No photography was allowed as it might distract the horses, so all of these pics are courtesy of Valitar/Equustria Development, Inc. 
Saturday was only the second public performance (EVER!) of this show.  Kind of exciting!

This is what the tent looks like.  I've been driving past it twice a day for weeks on my way to/from work.

Some contortion starts off the show.

 

Once the horses join the show, it's kind of mesmerizing.

These guys were doing all kinds of stunt riding, racing around the arena. 
There was also some trampoline acrobats and 2 guys on rugged skateboards. 
Pretty crazy!

I really liked the trick riding, where the guys were jumping on and off of the horse, riding backwards, STANDING up on the horses backs!!

This was my boyfriends favorite acrobat... the rope lady. :-)
(There may be some more techniocal term for that...?)

We both thought this guy was really impressive. He did a lot of the stunt riding and was entertaining and engaging.

 This woman had 9 beautiful white horses running and dancing around in sync, with no harnesses/leads or anything.

Probably the most thrilling stunt of the night. 
He went underneath and back to the top while the horse was galloping around the arena. Yikes!
(Also, I loved this horse. Light mane, caramel colored with a few darker spots.  I wanted to pet him!!)

I really don't have anything negative that comes to mind about the show itself.  I was kind of expecting maybe a few more "WHOA! OMG!" moments.  But it is more about the beauty and grace of the horses (and the humans!), and relationship between them. 
Don't get me wrong, the guy going under the horse? The people standing on the horses backs and dancing? The guy being pulled by the horse on the mountainskateboard onto a ramp?  Those were all crazy, but the overall feel of the show is more "zen" than "cRaZy".  And I liked it that way. 

I didn't love the 2 people near me who kept whistling, that ear piercing,  sports game kind of whistle.  They mention no pictures because of the DISTRACTION it could be to the horses.  Not only do I think those whistles could have been, too...but they hurt my ears! Plus, one of them, a guy behind me, was also talking through most of the show. Not quietly.

Besides that the entire experience was extremely pleasant.  

All of the ticket takers and ushers were nice and helpful. 
The parking was easy (though a bit of a rip off at $9). 

The food & drinks in the concession tent were expensive (which is to be expected) but there was a pretty decent variety of snack type items to choose from.  We had an iced mocha and a piece of cake before the show. :-)

 The merchandise area didn't have a ton of options, but there were definitely a few cute shirts I liked.  I ended up buying a long sleeve t-shirt, but in large because no XL available (I've now determined it is going to be extremely tight, but wearable).  And it was $45.   Ouch.  I don't think there was anything under $30 besides the printed program.  (Of course, I still bought one, cuz I'm a sucker for a souvenir.)

I saw on their website that Valitar will begin touring to other cities soon.  If any of this sounds interesting to you, I suggest checking it out!  It was really fun and a great way to spend and evening with my boyfriend.  I think it's a great show to see for a date, or for a family night out! 

 

Disclaimer: I was provided 2 tickets to see Valitar, but all opinions are my own. 
They did not ask me to provide a positive review or to fall in love with the caramel horse. 

Throwback Thursday (Hawaii)

Hey guys!  Hope your weeks are going well out there wherever you are.
(Where are you, btw?  Lemme know if you comment!)

Welcome to another installment of Throwback Thursday :-)  
I did a guest/sponsor post recently (for Mish!) about our trip to Hawaii (and my unfortunate accident there).  I loved going through those pictures so much, I decided to put together a Throwback Thursday about it.  We visited Hawaii just a few years ago, 

but it was before I was blogging and I have a lot of pics to share!

We first went to the Big Island of Hawaii for 3 days, where my aunt lives. 

This is her coffee shop, which is attached to her restaurant,
where we ate delicious food for every meal. 

And we drove through and around lots of growing coffee.

 We drove all over the island in the time we were there.

While on Hawaii, we spent a day in Kona, drove to the volcano, and ate like kings!

Interesting fruits at the farmers market that my aunt hosts on the weekends. 

We saw this house being taken back by the jungle.

We went to the southern most point in the United States.

We drank out of coconuts.

We went to the Hawaiian Royal Palace.

Us on the sea wall behind palace.

Our last morning on Hawaii.....

Then we hopped over to Maui and spent 3 more days.  
 Maui from the sky...

 Upon settling into our rental car and heading toward the hotel, we saw a double rainbow. (Couldn't get a good pics of it though.)

These were some of the views from our hotel...

Ready to go on the volcano bike ride. 
(Nice cheeks.  Thanks helmets.)

We chased some cows. 
(Actually, he was just walking out into the grass so I could get a better picture, 
but I snapped this one at the right time!)

I crashed on the bike and had to spend the last 2 days crutching and wheelchair-ing around. 

In my wheelchair at the luau!

It was so much fun! 
Good food, good drinks, good entertainment, good table mates. :-)

We made some new friends at the luau. 
It wasn't so bad on my knee, what with the unlimited tropical drinks!  

Our last breakfast before coming home. 

Oh, and uh...this is what happened when I got home. 
Yep.  The volcano got me good.

Have you visited Hawaii?  What island?  

I.can.not.wait.to.go.back!!