Thursday, May 22, 2014

To My Boy on his First Birthday!!

Oh my darling boy...

 I don't know where to begin with this note to you.  I see so many lovely letters from Mamas on the internet and wish I could express myself so eloquently!  Suffice it to say, I love you, with every fiber of my being.  The past year has been such a crazy, humbling experience and I can't even imagine what the rest of our lives together will be like.  I knew a baby would change my life but I could never have imagined how.  

Being pregnant with you was pretty surreal for me.  I knew you were in there but it almost seemed like a big game of make believe.  Once you started moving I would talk and sing to you and I started trying to imagine what you might look like, who you'd take after, what kind of personality you would have.  But I had no idea, really. 

Your birth was traumatic and scary and sudden, but it all turned out OK.  Once we got past the feeding tubes, the hospital schedule, the beeping machines and brought you home, we had to figure out how to take care of you all on our own.  No more monitors, no nurses, no reassuring doctor reports.  Somehow we did it. 



I was nervous about becoming a Mama.  Not sure how you'd fit into our childless lives.  I've always loved children but having one of my own was a whole new ballgame!  I think I worried for all those years for no reason. I couldn't have asked for a more wonderful baby.  You are sweet, funny, inquisitive, and beautiful.  You have taught me (and Daddy) so much about ourselves, and our capacity for love.  There are many days when I am tired, but I know it won't last forever. I know it won't be long before I long for these baby days. I treasure every gummy grin, every wet kiss, every warm hug. Seeing your eyes light up when you realize I've come home from work makes having to leave you every day (somewhat) bearable.

Seeing this year through your eyes has been amazing.  Your first smiles lit up our hearts.  Your first laugh had us all jumping and grabbing our cameras.  (The fact that you don't laugh often makes the giggles you do let out even more precious.) Your first holiday season, which we were certainly more excited for than you were, was so fun, and I know the next one and the one after and the one after... Well they will only get better. Your grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins all love you so much and I can't wait to watch those relationships develop as you get older. 




I know we have walking, and talking, and exploring, and learning and...just so much more to look forward to.  
For today, I just want to make sure to tell you that nothing makes me happier than waking up next to you every morning.  
Coming home from work to you every evening. 
Nursing you to sleep every night. 
You know I am your Mama and that makes me so happy.


 Sometimes, if you pull my hair or bite me while nursing (ouch!!) and I say "Ow!" you make a sad face and your lip quivers.  Even though it did hurt, I smile and tickle you or in some way try to wipe that sad face away.  Because your happiness is more important than mine is, and that's how things are now.  Which is fine by me.  (But, please stop biting!)

I love you.  
It seems such an inadequate expression, but I can't think of anything better.  
I love you, I love you, I love you, more every day.  
And I always, always, always will. 

Happy First Birthday, my beautiful boy. 
Love, Mama

(The pictures in this post are not the best due to 
a. his first 6 months of life were documented only with camera phones and 
b. I chose pics that were taken on the 22nd of each month, and sometimes there weren't many options!)


Suzy said...

Happy Birthday!!!

Janna Renee said...

I can't believe that it feels like yesterday you told me you were pregnant...Seriously, the fact that he is so big blows my mind!